I was writing a thank you speech for a valedictorian who was supposed to read it in front of the whole graduating batch when it struck me. Like pins and needles it poked my beating heart beneath my fragile chest. I feel like vomiting. As if throwing up my excess calories can ever make a difference. I have never been shaken rock hard down to my core. Where do I even begin? Yes, write the speech, I thought. What do I have to thank for? If I were valedictorian, I’d probably thank my dad and my mom. Then I’d include my English teacher who first saw that potential in me. Then I’d thank the sisters of my school, the vincentian fathers, and a whole bunch of nameless bystanders at the corner of our street, who always reminded me in a scary way what will happen to me if I fail in school. There goes that pain again. Then the screaming headache. I pulled out the trash can. Now vomit. More vomit.
This is the second time in a row of the same week that I vomited. Nevertheless it felt good. It’s probably my body’s way of rejecting whatever unneeded baggage I have inside me. Then I remember the pain. Once again I feel like sobbing into tears to let it all out yet again. Ok I’m officially ruining the speech now so I tossed the keyboard and threw the mouse pad out of the way. My brother was out of sight so I had my moment to dry my eyes and breathe shakily at my own shallow expanse. I wish I could just vomit it all out so I can be ok again. I wish I can throw up everything in one go so I can look at the world and see love again. But no, I cannot vomit it out. The least thing I could do is lie down, feel the throbbing sense in my head and vomit what remains of the half-baked pork I had for lunch. From the other end of my bed I saw my phone vibrating, dancing in the tune of a broken record I used to like. I want to ignore it. My head was throbbing like hell. I stared above to see the black brass of my bed suspended above forming a canopy that seemed more like an enclosement of some sort, if ever such a word existed. Then slowly as I close my eyes to feel a somewhat relieving sensation from this mad torture, I thought I was dying. Maybe I was. I was dying from inside and I cannot do anything but vomit the external tangible expellable matters that lies in my inner limbs. How I wish I could vomit the pain as well. See it like a bile substance I can trash along with the other unneeded matters in my room. Why do people come only to say goodbye? Why do we promise forever only to find out that it is not ours to wager? Why do we write letters only to tear them later? Why do we even love only to hurt our lovers? How I wish we could all just vomit the pain. I wish God can hear me now so I can vomit it all out. And get the feeling gone. Then after that I would just like to pass out…
